As the pressures of the impending cosmos weigh down upon me, I arrive at the summation that I am the captain of a forsaken vessel; a prisoner trapped running the rat race in the folds of my own mind. I am incarcerated; bound, as the chains of gravity and expectation tighten their hold around my neck. As the verisimilitude of happenstance contracts it's vice, I look to the stars and cry for everything I will never know.
How cruel it is to be stuck here. Left behind. Abandoned. How cruel it is to have a celestial window to freedom while remaining eternally frayed on the cusp of happiness. What does it take to satiate the insatiable? I am ravenous for knowledge, and more so, understanding, yet for the life of me, I cannot understand the paradigm that is this world.
I feel the contamination that is the human story and it stings with the force of a thousand daggers. Ice picks drive into my knees and I am brought to the ground, grasping for some semblance of dreams passed and a reality I'll never know. As I am engulfed in the torrential waters of my own abyss, her voice pierces the wind like a siren, calling to me, beckoning me in with false hope and synthetic dreams.
I'm chasing dragons as her voice conjures delusions of grandeur and complacency. The warden clamors the bars of my cell, yet contentment settles over my body as a thin layer of snow blankets a forgotten forest. And while my dreams remain at my fingertips, the knowledge and understanding that perception is reality hits me like a tsunami, washing away my trepidation.
From a safe distance, I watch myself as I charge down a path that I dare not follow. My insides are a whirlpool of thunderous conviction. And while I have conquered the fear of death itself, the emotions of this realm are a crusade against my better judgement. I'm walking through the smiling fields of grain as the loneliness assails me again. The paradox of my life stands in glaring contrast to the power of my convictions.
As the hope of a better tomorrow fades into the reality of today, it becomes apparent that I will find no refuge. I've scoured my thoughts for the will to persevere and found myself lost at the starting gate. Standing at the foot of the rubble and shambles that comprise my reality, the dense fog of truth settles in around me, stifling my intake of oxygen:
The only guarantee of love...
...is heartbreak.
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the insatiable forces us to survive, whether in mundane functions like eating or in the gathering of knowledge,
ReplyDeleteand it too is a guarantee
I don't know what else to say, except that I am one foot in the same boat,
kierkgaard wrote, the pleasure of life is to have one's way
but vonnegut wrote, love those who are around to be loved
My sister framed this quote for me...
ReplyDelete"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."